Don't Count On It

In an attempt to get to know people in our neighborhood, I decided to join the Social Committee. In the past the only other committees I've joined have been to get me out of work (i.e. Summer Party Planning Committee), but for some reason I thought the Social Planning Committee would be a good way for me to come out of my shell and meet people. Bad idea. The thing is, when I signed up I forgot for a brief moment that I don't take well with other people telling me what to do, or giving me any kind of assignment, and the more important that other person thinks the particular assignment is for me to complete, the less likely I am to do it. There is this awful part of me that thrives on making the pseudo-leaders of this world really, really upset. This holds true for most church callings as well. It must be something about the way certain assignments are given to me with the threat of heaven looming over my head, and no matter how positive I try to be I just can't bring myself to follow through with orders like that. I guess I wouldn't have made a very good Nazi, either.

Anyway, the neighborhood Social Committee met for the first time last night, and I didn't attend the meeting. Not only did I not attend, but I'm pretty sure my neighbor (who is co-chair) came by to get me and I pretended not to be home when I heard the doorbell--not necessarily to avoid her, I never answer the door when the doorbell rings because this world is full of wackos. This morning I received an e-mail with the minutes from last night's meeting and I was a bit put off by the perky tone of the S.C. Director and her boring to-do lists . So, why did I voluntarily sign up for this? I honestly can't tell you. I have decided that maybe I don't actually want to get to know the people in my neighborhood, because that would mean more people who would stop to talk to me when I'm busy, more awkward and long conversations where I'll have to answer a lot of questions about myself, and I'd probably have to pretend to be cheerful more often. That part in building new relationships where I feel pressure to smile the whole time makes me feel weird. I'd probably try to analyze this part of me, but I'm too busy right now focusing on being ambivalent, and self-reflection is not high on my priority list.