April 10, 2008
Dear Sadie,
I'm writing you this letter as you're sleeping in my belly as a 22 week fetus. Pregnancy has been quite the shocking experience. To be honest, I never pictured myself pregnant & you were somewhat unexpected. But, the love I already have for you is the most intense love I have ever felt. Your dad and I had a little video made of you when you were only an 18 week fetus. Everytime I watch you kicking the snot out of my uterus, I fall more in love with you. I can't wait to see you & find out if you're more like me (neurotic, spontaneous, disorganized, adventurous, emotional) or if you're like your daddy (stable, laid-back, hard-working, loves nature & animals, totally organized). I'm crossing my fingers for the latter. I assume parenting will be a lot easier if you are easy going. Either way, I know we're going to have so much fun.
I have to admit, I'm scared out of my mind to be your mommy. It only dawned on me not too long ago that I'm going to need to change DIAPERS! YIKES! I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing, so please be patient & forgiving with me.
I already want so much for you. I want to be the perfect parent--it's a long shot, but I can dream :-). The reason I'm writing you this letter is to share with you something that has come to mean a lot to me (not because it's 1:30am & I can't sleep).
You'll have a lot of experiences as you grow up. Some you'll succeed at, and some you won't. That's just life. I wish you could live your life and never have to experience failure, but so far I haven't been able figure out a way to avoid it. In order to really succeed in life, you have to learn how to fail--and once you've failed to KEEP TRYING. Don't be afraid to do anything because of the possibilty of failure. Everything I have done that has been worth it has been hard and I've wanted to quit many times. But, I can tell you that anything that's worth being proud of is going to be hard. Keep going and don't give up.
I hope you always have confidence in yourself. I hope you are always kind to others--like your dad, great-grandma Johnson, and Aunt Sally. Sometimes I lose my temper and hurt feelings. Try not to do it that way. I hope you work hard; it's the only way to get what you want. I hope you aren't afraid to experience life. Life is a kick in the pants, and you're going to love it.
I'm sure there is much more I'll want to say to you, but it's nearly 2am and I'm about to fall asleep with this pen up my nose.
Love,
Mama
Did I really tell my child that she was a mistake, and probably a failure, too? What just happened here.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Monday, March 22, 2010
Oh No She DI-NN'T
Let's talk, bloggity, blog friends.
I want to know your opinion on the health care bill that was passed; the good, the bad, the ugly, conservative, liberal, totalitarian, whatever. Just not communist. Gross. Since I quit worrying about this topic months ago (*GASP*), I can't give an educated opinion on the subject. What I can do is this: ask a bunch of questions and beg for your answers. Sound reasonable? Good. 'Cause I'm doin' it.
I've read the argument all over the interwebs about how this bill rewards the poor, lazy, and entitled. My question is this: Does it really? Aren't most of the "poor" Americans covered under Medicaid, anyway? It seems as though under the old system we already offered medical coverage to the poor. My understanding is that this bill would extend coverage to the vast number of Americans who don't carry health insurance not out of choice, but as a result of being denied due to a pre-existing condition. It also intends to help those Americans, either self-employed or who work for a company that doesn't offer health benefits, who aren't "poor" enough to qualify for Medicaid, but aren't "wealthy" enough to afford the high premiums of private health insurance. Yes? Are these Americans lazy, entitled, or personally irresponsible?
Has anybody read the bill who can tell me what's in it? Last time I checked it was 1200+ pages. I'd print it and read it myself, but I'm currently working my way through several Dr. Seuss books.
Will taxes increase for everyone, or only for those making 200k+ per year? There's conflicting information out there, and I want to get to the bottom of it ONCE AND FOR ALL.
Would it be frivolous to write a letter to Prez Obama (IN DA HOUSE) requesting that a gym membership stipend be added to the bill? I'm not a huge fan of paying monthly gym membership dues and my bum is all saggy. Plus, that would fall under preventative care, no? This may already be in the bill. Who knows. Do you?
What are your thoughts on the economic and/or medical consequences, if any, of this bill?
Give me your opinions. I know me some smart people, and I want to hear from you! I'm tired of reading the garbage on the Internet, 'cause it's gone n' made me skin crawl.
And for those dooce readers: this comment from her last post on health care made me laugh out-loud for, well, I'm still laughing.
From Twitter: "I can't help but think this is what Jesus would've wanted...If they'd had this back in Bible times it would have saved him a lot of work and freed him up to focus on the catering aspect."
Love it? Hate it? Let's get discussiony!
I want to know your opinion on the health care bill that was passed; the good, the bad, the ugly, conservative, liberal, totalitarian, whatever. Just not communist. Gross. Since I quit worrying about this topic months ago (*GASP*), I can't give an educated opinion on the subject. What I can do is this: ask a bunch of questions and beg for your answers. Sound reasonable? Good. 'Cause I'm doin' it.
I've read the argument all over the interwebs about how this bill rewards the poor, lazy, and entitled. My question is this: Does it really? Aren't most of the "poor" Americans covered under Medicaid, anyway? It seems as though under the old system we already offered medical coverage to the poor. My understanding is that this bill would extend coverage to the vast number of Americans who don't carry health insurance not out of choice, but as a result of being denied due to a pre-existing condition. It also intends to help those Americans, either self-employed or who work for a company that doesn't offer health benefits, who aren't "poor" enough to qualify for Medicaid, but aren't "wealthy" enough to afford the high premiums of private health insurance. Yes? Are these Americans lazy, entitled, or personally irresponsible?
Has anybody read the bill who can tell me what's in it? Last time I checked it was 1200+ pages. I'd print it and read it myself, but I'm currently working my way through several Dr. Seuss books.
Will taxes increase for everyone, or only for those making 200k+ per year? There's conflicting information out there, and I want to get to the bottom of it ONCE AND FOR ALL.
Would it be frivolous to write a letter to Prez Obama (IN DA HOUSE) requesting that a gym membership stipend be added to the bill? I'm not a huge fan of paying monthly gym membership dues and my bum is all saggy. Plus, that would fall under preventative care, no? This may already be in the bill. Who knows. Do you?
What are your thoughts on the economic and/or medical consequences, if any, of this bill?
Give me your opinions. I know me some smart people, and I want to hear from you! I'm tired of reading the garbage on the Internet, 'cause it's gone n' made me skin crawl.
And for those dooce readers: this comment from her last post on health care made me laugh out-loud for, well, I'm still laughing.
From Twitter: "I can't help but think this is what Jesus would've wanted...If they'd had this back in Bible times it would have saved him a lot of work and freed him up to focus on the catering aspect."
Love it? Hate it? Let's get discussiony!
Thursday, March 18, 2010
On Becoming Grounded
A few months ago, I decided to go back to work in the financial field. Yeah, yeah, I know I was going to leave that behind for a while, but I couldn't do it. I was offered an opportunity with a great company which allows me to work mostly from home. Mondays are my long days, but other than that, Sadie and I are side-kicks. She destroys my office while I work and I pick everything up when I'm done. It works great!
I love it, and since I've gone back to work I've started to fall a little for Florida. My stay-at-home mommy days kept me cooped up in the house most of the time, and when we did leave it was only to the same places we always went to. Since going back to work, I've met some amazing business owners, become more familiar with the area, and found fun things to do with Sadie on the afternoons I'm free. Once Warren and I realized that our house was not going to sell unless we dropped the price WAY lower than we were willing to sell for, we took our house off the market. We decided to ride this out for a few years. It was either that, or lose buckets of money. So, I told myself that I could continue to cry over it and be miserable, or I could find happiness again, wherever we live. The hardest part of Florida is living so far from family. I'm not going to lie, long plane rides across the US of A blow. At least on international flights you're fed really crappy food, which admittedly I look forward to. I wish Sadie had grandparents nearby. Warren and I scored big time in the parent department, and it makes me sad that Sadie doesn't get to kick with them all the time. In order to see one set of grandparents, we have to endure a seven hour plane ride. In order to see the other set, it's nearly twenty hours. That's in the sky, people. Factor in lay-over time, and we're talking a FREAKING LONG TIME.
That's it. That's my story of Florida. My last hurdle to jump over is to run alone outside again. I don't know trails in the area that are safe vs. those that aren't. I sure do miss me some Provo River Trail! Ironically, I made up my mind yesterday to quit being afraid. But then this happened.
I'm going to need a little more time.
I love it, and since I've gone back to work I've started to fall a little for Florida. My stay-at-home mommy days kept me cooped up in the house most of the time, and when we did leave it was only to the same places we always went to. Since going back to work, I've met some amazing business owners, become more familiar with the area, and found fun things to do with Sadie on the afternoons I'm free. Once Warren and I realized that our house was not going to sell unless we dropped the price WAY lower than we were willing to sell for, we took our house off the market. We decided to ride this out for a few years. It was either that, or lose buckets of money. So, I told myself that I could continue to cry over it and be miserable, or I could find happiness again, wherever we live. The hardest part of Florida is living so far from family. I'm not going to lie, long plane rides across the US of A blow. At least on international flights you're fed really crappy food, which admittedly I look forward to. I wish Sadie had grandparents nearby. Warren and I scored big time in the parent department, and it makes me sad that Sadie doesn't get to kick with them all the time. In order to see one set of grandparents, we have to endure a seven hour plane ride. In order to see the other set, it's nearly twenty hours. That's in the sky, people. Factor in lay-over time, and we're talking a FREAKING LONG TIME.
That's it. That's my story of Florida. My last hurdle to jump over is to run alone outside again. I don't know trails in the area that are safe vs. those that aren't. I sure do miss me some Provo River Trail! Ironically, I made up my mind yesterday to quit being afraid. But then this happened.
I'm going to need a little more time.
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Is She Bloggin' Again? Say It Ain't So!
Yes, friends. I's a be a bloggin'. Although, I can't promise forever, so don't get attached. Or, please get attached. Either way. I'm fairly irresolute these days.
Wow, it's been such a long time. This year I made a resolution to take a picture of Sadie everyday. I did not, unfortunately, make a resolution to upload those photos onto my laptop, so that will have to wait until next year. What I can tell you is this: I am an extremely, enormously, incalculably poor photographer. And worse yet, Sadie is just as bad at allowing me to take pictures. I made the mistake a few months back of showing Sadie a picture I took of her right after I took it. Now, every time I take out my camera, she runs over to look at herself before I can shoot a picture. Not only does she have red eye in most pictures, but the light is terrible and I've only shot half her face because she's charging me to "see" herself. There's a strong possibility I won't be joining the ranks of mommy photographers in 2010, but I might get around to uploading a few pictures so you can judge for yourself. And, as many of you are already aware, the only acceptable response to any picture of my baby is, "oooohh, how lovely."
In other news, bad news, or news I'm somewhat apathetic about now, we're still in Florida. Pbptpbhtht. Turns out, there was this thing with sub-prime mortgages, or something, and our house is now valued at $7.50. Suck. We're trying to make the most of our situation by whining and crying about it. Mark my words, we WILL be moving out of Florida one of these days. I write, "move out of Florida" on every post-it TO DO list I make, and I am VERY serious about my post-its.
3/9/2010
*milk
*diet coke
*run, or change into running clothes and sit on the couch (another New Year's resolution of mine was to be more realistic.)
*move out of Florida
3/10/2010
*study work material
*organize calendar
*try not to think in Spanglish
*move out of Florida
3/11/2010
*be awesome
*move out of Florida
It's not that we hate it here. It's just that we live so far away from family. There is plenty to do in this state to keep us busy, and I'm not complaining about the sunny days... Maybe I am. I miss my mom.
**I should clarify that my intention here was not to bash on Florida, but rather answer the question, "When are you moving out of Florida?" Which I've been asked a lot (understandably) since we made the decision two years ago. I should admit that the scary part is, the longer we stay the more grounded we're becoming. As hard as I'm trying to fight it, there might come a day when I cave and paint a wall.
Wow, it's been such a long time. This year I made a resolution to take a picture of Sadie everyday. I did not, unfortunately, make a resolution to upload those photos onto my laptop, so that will have to wait until next year. What I can tell you is this: I am an extremely, enormously, incalculably poor photographer. And worse yet, Sadie is just as bad at allowing me to take pictures. I made the mistake a few months back of showing Sadie a picture I took of her right after I took it. Now, every time I take out my camera, she runs over to look at herself before I can shoot a picture. Not only does she have red eye in most pictures, but the light is terrible and I've only shot half her face because she's charging me to "see" herself. There's a strong possibility I won't be joining the ranks of mommy photographers in 2010, but I might get around to uploading a few pictures so you can judge for yourself. And, as many of you are already aware, the only acceptable response to any picture of my baby is, "oooohh, how lovely."
In other news, bad news, or news I'm somewhat apathetic about now, we're still in Florida. Pbptpbhtht. Turns out, there was this thing with sub-prime mortgages, or something, and our house is now valued at $7.50. Suck. We're trying to make the most of our situation by whining and crying about it. Mark my words, we WILL be moving out of Florida one of these days. I write, "move out of Florida" on every post-it TO DO list I make, and I am VERY serious about my post-its.
3/9/2010
*milk
*diet coke
*run, or change into running clothes and sit on the couch (another New Year's resolution of mine was to be more realistic.)
*move out of Florida
3/10/2010
*study work material
*organize calendar
*try not to think in Spanglish
*move out of Florida
3/11/2010
*be awesome
*move out of Florida
It's not that we hate it here. It's just that we live so far away from family. There is plenty to do in this state to keep us busy, and I'm not complaining about the sunny days... Maybe I am. I miss my mom.
**I should clarify that my intention here was not to bash on Florida, but rather answer the question, "When are you moving out of Florida?" Which I've been asked a lot (understandably) since we made the decision two years ago. I should admit that the scary part is, the longer we stay the more grounded we're becoming. As hard as I'm trying to fight it, there might come a day when I cave and paint a wall.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
It's hard to get back into blogging after such a long hiatus because deciding what to blog about is so difficult. Sadie turned one, we went to Oregon, Warren's mpm came to visit from South Africa, and everythin in between.
I decided to get back into bloggin I've been feeling tremendous guilt over my lack of blogging, well, not so much my lack of blogging, but my lack of journalling all together, but also because of the sense of community the blogging world brings. I started a journal for Sadie at the beginning of last year, and I've written in it maybe 8 times. Everytime I see her little journal on my desk, I am consumed with guilt, so I tuck it away so I don't have to look at it. (blech, erase.)
I've been slowly making my way back in to the blogosphere after my hiatus. I don't know if I didn't a break so much as I was just tired and had nothing creative to say.
There are three types of blogs: The professional blogs everyone reads, dooce, coolmom, mightygirl. Then there are the familiy blogs where pictures are posted and days are journaled about. And finally, there are the tragedy blogs--blogs we are drawn into like a drug. We have to know how these parents deal with our worst nightmares.
Lately I've been reading a lot of The Spohrs are multiplying. It's about a sweet little girl, Madeline, who pass away unexpectantly one night due to complications from a respitory infection. Maybe this blog hit me so hard because Madeline came down with a respitory infection just a few days before she turned 17 months. My Sadie also recently came down with a respiratory infection a few days before her 17 month birthday. Both Sadie and Madeline had to be put on breathing treatments. Sadie recovered, Madeline did not. I'm lucky because Sadie wasn't premature and had strong enough lungs to fight and recover.
Maybe I'm drawn to Madeline because she said "WOW!" the same way Sadie does, or that she greeted her mother with a "HI!" in the morning, the same way Sadie greets me.
Lately, I've been having a hard time with the tasks of motherhood. I've been missing the work field and longing to go back. Somedays I don't feel like reading the same book over and over again, or picking up toys a dozen times a day. Some days I long for more mentally stimulating conversation. I've felt bored, unchallened, annoyed, impatient, and tired.
With Sadie's recent illness it has required breathing treatments every 3-4 hours, and a fussy baby. This morning she woke up at 6am after a sleepless night, and I was exhausted.
Madeline's story has reminded me how lucky I am. I would give up sleep altogether if that meant I got to wake up every morning at 6am to snuggle my baby.
I decided to get back into bloggin I've been feeling tremendous guilt over my lack of blogging, well, not so much my lack of blogging, but my lack of journalling all together, but also because of the sense of community the blogging world brings. I started a journal for Sadie at the beginning of last year, and I've written in it maybe 8 times. Everytime I see her little journal on my desk, I am consumed with guilt, so I tuck it away so I don't have to look at it. (blech, erase.)
I've been slowly making my way back in to the blogosphere after my hiatus. I don't know if I didn't a break so much as I was just tired and had nothing creative to say.
There are three types of blogs: The professional blogs everyone reads, dooce, coolmom, mightygirl. Then there are the familiy blogs where pictures are posted and days are journaled about. And finally, there are the tragedy blogs--blogs we are drawn into like a drug. We have to know how these parents deal with our worst nightmares.
Lately I've been reading a lot of The Spohrs are multiplying. It's about a sweet little girl, Madeline, who pass away unexpectantly one night due to complications from a respitory infection. Maybe this blog hit me so hard because Madeline came down with a respitory infection just a few days before she turned 17 months. My Sadie also recently came down with a respiratory infection a few days before her 17 month birthday. Both Sadie and Madeline had to be put on breathing treatments. Sadie recovered, Madeline did not. I'm lucky because Sadie wasn't premature and had strong enough lungs to fight and recover.
Maybe I'm drawn to Madeline because she said "WOW!" the same way Sadie does, or that she greeted her mother with a "HI!" in the morning, the same way Sadie greets me.
Lately, I've been having a hard time with the tasks of motherhood. I've been missing the work field and longing to go back. Somedays I don't feel like reading the same book over and over again, or picking up toys a dozen times a day. Some days I long for more mentally stimulating conversation. I've felt bored, unchallened, annoyed, impatient, and tired.
With Sadie's recent illness it has required breathing treatments every 3-4 hours, and a fussy baby. This morning she woke up at 6am after a sleepless night, and I was exhausted.
Madeline's story has reminded me how lucky I am. I would give up sleep altogether if that meant I got to wake up every morning at 6am to snuggle my baby.
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