On Finding My Happiness

Wahoo! Blogging! I feel as though everytime I actually make a blog post I should get an applause. I feel the same way after I cook dinner, which doesn't happen very often. Basically, anytime I do anything, an applause is in order.

It's been no secret that I have struggled with happiness since I moved to Florida. It's been hard to stay positive, and I admit I haven't done a great job with trying. I've spent too much time comparing Florida to my homes in Oregon and Utah. Things like, bad schools, crappy radio stations, boring people, etc. have put me in a bad mood. I've allowed them to put me in a bad mood. I mean, bad radio stations? Sure, they suck, but should radio stations have put me in a sour mood? Probably not. I've missed me. Oh, how I've missed me. I miss the fun, spontaneous, happy girl. For a loooooong time I haven't been able to find her. I've had moments of feeling content, sure, my time in Florida hasn't been all bad. But most of the time I've felt anxious, lonely, sad.

 Then an incident happened about a month ago that finally made me take a step back and re-evaluate myself, my "friendships," my goals, and the power I have to change what has made me unhappy. I've taken a step back from most of the people I've met in Florida. It's a hard thing to learn that friendships you once counted on weren't true friendships, that people aren't who you thought they were, or expected them to be. It was a really, really hard exercise for me to drop a few friendships. By nature, I am fiercely loyal and forgiving. I don't hold grudges and I hate staying mad. I'll do anything to get rid of the sinking feeling anger puts in my stomach. I'll always forgive, always, but I've reached that point in my life when I think it's also okay to rid my life of relationships that haven't made me happy. Relationships where I've felt I've needed to pretend to be someone I'm not because I was afraid of being judged, criticized, or talked about. April was a month for me to set new goals, prioritize what matters to me and focus on the happiness my family brings me. Part of me feels a little bit of a loss, but the loss I feel is far over shadowed by the happiness I've regained. Why didn't I do this YEARS ago? It would have saved me so much disappointment.

 I joined a running group and have started meeting new people. I've focused my energies on things I can control and I've let go of the things I can't. I've let Sadie fingerpaint on our back patio, draw cat whiskers on my face, and play with PLAYDOUGH without stressing about the mess. I've practiced shifting my focus from the things that annoy me to the things that are pretty. I see birds in the trees, flowers growing in the medians, and palm trees hidden in what I once saw as another ugly swamp. My daugthers and I have spent more time telling stories, dancing to the radio, reading books, and following ant trails outside.

Today as I was putting Bailey's hair in a ponytail, I feel like I looked at her for the first time. Really looked at her, and I thought, "wow, this hilarious, smart, pretty little baby is mine." My heart was happy. It's taken me a few years, but I finally had the courage to make the necessary changes in my life to feel happiness again.

And, oh, how good it feels.