My life is chaos. Is your life chaos? I have a habit, an addiction if you will, to chaos. I fill my days with so much to do that no normal person could possibly live up to the expectations I set for myself. But I'm not a "normal" person, I CAN DO IT ALL. Right? Do you think this way, too? But there's a downside to doing to it all. Failure. Following failure are anxiety, panic, and depression. Why do I repeatedly do this to myself? Over and over and over and over. High expectations = taking on too much = failing = dropping everything = anxiety, and repeat. After my kids went to sleep, I starting putting away their laundry. This is cheesy, but when Sadie was a newborn I bought her a CD full of lullabies. Every night when she went to sleep I would play her this CD. Now I play it for Bailey when she falls asleep. When that CD is playing, I can not allow myself to walk past their room because hearing even a tiny bit of one of those songs sends me into a sentimental sobbing fit. Well, tonight I went into their bedroom to put away their clothes, heard the lullabies and spent ten minutes smelling old baby clothes and crying about how my constant busyness is causing me to lose out on their lives. How many times has Bailey brought me a book, or Sadie asked me to play a game and I've been too busy working or cleaning to stop and play with my kids? I'll tell you how many times. TOO DAMN MANY.

Both of my babies are still sleeping, which gives me a few minutes to write on this here blog. You know, that thing I promised I was going to start contributing to again? Although, I think I promised I was going to blog more about my wonderful children and how cute and awesome they are, and this probably won't be one of those posts. Or, maybe it will be. I don't know yet. Let's find out. Parenthood has been, over and above, a kick in the pants. I love my kids more than I ever knew was possible, which is hard to explain even to myself since my children are also the greatest source of annoyance in my life some days. The whining! Oh. my. gosh. THE WHINING! But at the end of everyday, I have a hard time putting them to sleep. Truth time. Sadie slept in our room until she was 13 months old and the first week she was in her own room I slept on the floor next to her crib. We JUST moved Bailey into a separate room last week. She's almost 15 months old.

I Think It's Time

....to start blogging again. I took a break from anything blog related because most mommy blogs out there contributed to my mommy guilt. A friend of mind once described mommy blogs as Christmas Newsletters on Crack. I felt all the bragging and perfect images didn't paint the true picture of what motherhood was all about, and I became frustrated that there wasn't more honesty in the blogosphere. I enjoyed reading blogs of moms who were more like me--more open and honest about how difficult parenting can be, the day to day struggles. But then I realized that someday I will probably want to look on these days as positive, happy moments with my children. I know I won't want to remember all the times I yelled at my kids, obsessed about cleaning my house instead of playing dinosaurs with Sadie, or cried about how much of a failure I felt like most of the time. I'll want to remember the beauty of motherhood, the smiles on my babies' faces, their laughter, the fun we have. So, if that means my blog will turn into every other blah mommy blog once in a while (I am still me, and I can't hide the sarcasm ALL of the time), then so be it. Because you know what? MY kids ARE amazing and I love them to pieces.

Besides, maybe the motivation of blogging about happy moments will inspire me to have more of them.

So, buckle up blog-world! It's about to get real (ish) up in here.

I be RUNNIN'!

For an update on what I'm up to now, go here:

http://pages.teamintraining.org/sun/diswine11/ktickner

One of Those Mommy Blog/Letter Thingys

Hey Sadie,

I'm really crap at this journal/blogging thing. You now have a new sister, so...

Dear Sadie AND Bailey,

First of all, welcome Bailey. Secondly, I sure am trying my best to record all the cute things the two of you do, but since you do cute things ALL THE TIME, I'm a bit behind. If you could maybe scale it back a bit, that would help me out a TON.

Much love,
Mama

Update

I had another baby.

BLOGGED!